Sometimes. When my hair falls into place and my clothes make me feel nice. When I’m with people that I feel don’t care about any of that.
But here I am trying to define myself. I can never come up with the right words. What I need are softer words, words to describe the monthly cramps, words to describe the smell of my mother’s neck, words to describe that instant before I fall asleep. Concrete words: stomachache, lavender soap, boyfriend, hunger. I am so many different people. I am ambiguities and paradoxes. I would like to be something that cannot be explained. A soft-hearted warrior. The empty feeling you get when you stare at the stars and realize at last, we are running blind. Empty but full. Feather-light and solid. Please tell me I am something special. Oh, they say specific moments in your life define you. I do not have moments, just layers and layers of arcs barely there. Like overlapping fingers. Like transparencies. Thinly layered, but I will write them all as they come to me, because this is me trying to define myself. This is me trying out these words that are too heavy for me. Hoping I will find myself, somewhere between the spaces and the sighs. Hoping I will always need softer words.
WHY IS IT 112 DEGREES RIGHT NOW
I THOUGHT IT WAS FALL?
My family does this thing sometimes where we pretend we live in another country for a day. It’s oversimplified and not at all real but it’s good and it’s special and it makes me feel less bad that there’s school tomorrow.
Today is China day. This morning I’ve been reading about all the ancient Chinese philosophers and looking through Chinese art in the giant art book my dad got for me for my birthday. In the morning my Chinese friend came over and made us fried rice and for dinner we’re going to a Chinese restaurant, closing our eyes to Southern California as much as we can without crashing.
closes and opens; only something in me
understands the voice of your eyes,
deeper than all roses.” —e.e. cummings
I really need to start applying to colleges.
Why am I so indecisive. I want to go everywhere and nowhere. I want to be alone but not lonely. I want to go to Canada, I want to go to Japan. I want to stay here.
I am all water.